Bro, the world is about to end. It’s been 15 years since these crazy fucken monsters — they call em the kaiju, whatever that means — began appearing from some kind of intergalactic hole in the ground at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, taking out whole cities like San Fran and Malaysia just cuz. There used to be months between their visits to ruin all, but now they’re coming even few days and speeding up. Bro, listen. Time isn’t on our side, but we got these giant goddamn robots, and they are.
Dude, I know what you’re thinking, that robots are no match for giant monsters with shark grills that spit acid. But it’s not the robots, it’s the dudes (and chicks) inside the robots, all right? They’ve got some personal shit to overcome before they can do that mind meld thing and throw down with those badass robot weapons, but so do the rest of us. And they have to, because, yo, just like that ridic wall they want to build around Mexico that dad’s all for, this anti-kaiju wall shit ain’t gonna work. It’ll probably come at the last second, because that’s always how this shit works, but they’ll save the day. Bro, I know they will.
Yo, it’s kinda funny. Watching those things fight is kind of like the sock-em-rock-em robot thing dad used to have the basement that he wouldn’t let us touch because it was worth too much on eBay, except one of the robots is a monster. Or those weird ass cartoons all those AV club dorks used to watch while not hanging out with any girls, ever. All that crazy Japanese stuff that you had to read to watch. Who the hell wants to read a movie anyway? But this shit is real. If one of those things like killed mom or you, Bro, you know I’d be in one of those robots, wrecking those bastards like Hulkamania for real.
And when it was all over, and the movie came out, and they cast that guy from the badass biker show to play me, all that death would be kind of worth it, you know? Because Bro, it comes down to this: if you can’t turn the brain meat off and sit back and enjoy Charlie Hunnam, Rinko Kikuchi and Idris Elba beating the crap out of some monsters then, dude, you’re the monster.